Tired

Never have I felt this level of fatigue before. My muscles refuses to budge long distances, my brain refuses to think straight. I just feel defeated. Don't feel like doing anything. Not because of the long distance I walked from High school gate to Princess of Wales Road (via the front) to Sixth Avenue (via the back) before walking into the Namly roads. That is nothing actually. It's something else.

Area 15 ATC 2010 improved my communication and leadership skills tremendously. I am now able to speak up easily, think on the spot and exude some confidence. Growth is indeed never ending, even when I am now a P/CI. Gained a lot of experience which will make me a better CI. Meanwhile, the process of learning shall continue. I still have a lot to learn.

Thinking back, I wondered why I never heeded my friend's advice. Widen the social circle by joining a fresh CCA with a large membership. Interact with more people, especially girls. He said it will help in the future. After I expressed that I have some several good relations with juniors, I could sense that he was somewhat skeptical about the eventual outcomes. Just around a month ago, I told him that I joined back my previous CCA. He was rather bemused and surprised. I can understand his rationale for his response now. Interaction with girls will bring experience in dealing with women in the future. Interaction with juniors brings... He thinks it will be fruitless and that interacting with same age (i.e. level) people will be more useful and yield better results. I respected his opinion during that time, but could not grasp his rationale. I think I can now. 

It all started out with me having no siblings. Thus, I yearn for close friends and very^very much want a best friend to understand and be there for me. Up till now, as I have stated before, my ultimate goal is still not achieved or at best it is ambiguous. But I shall not lie to myself. Reality is there in the face. Don't have means don't have. No use building castles in the air and imagining hypothetical scenarios. Lower sec gained a close friend, upper sec another, and now JC yet another. All are the same age. Yet the relationships cannot go any further as I changed classes in these years and they gained closer friends (frequently their best). Not as if I do not put in the effort to maintain and build. The limitation of a severe lack of physical interaction is a factor which I realized matters a lot. And I hate it. No amount of virtual communication will replace it. Period. I have used time to increase my brain capacity in primary school and lower sec. Yes, my results are above average. People are envious. But what for? I have no one to share it with apart from my parents. I will rather get Es and have BFFs to share the joys and woes. 

And I wonder if I am trying hard enough. Seriously. Or maybe I'm just not fated to have the luxury.

Next factor. I have to search high and low for what everyone easily gets. A best friend. In the process, I have learnt a lot about human relations and psychology. Matured a lot. But what for? I rather get a best friend and live in oblivion. The pain, the loneliness, the disappointment. To hell with these feelings. As time passes and the search goes on, I learnt to hide my emotions. Statue? A disinterested face? These are just masks that I find increasingly useful. 1) It hides emotions from curious eyes. 2) I can think more clearly and logically rather than let emotions overrun me. 3) I will look like I don't care (when I actually do). 4) Curious eyes will be convinced that I am fine. As encounters and "failures" in my quest increase, I can put on an act in front of people better. A best friend can always spot the pain in the eyes when others see nothing or a fake smile put on. That is an indicator. But well, this has not happened.

Humans are like any other animals. 适者生存，宁教我负天下人，休教天下人负我。I am grateful for my upbringing of morals that effectively packs the above expressions into a far corner of my brain. However, this is needed to fight for what one wants, and since my instinct is locked away, I end up taking things as they go. Which is bad. I rather not have these morals. They impede in the expressing of feelings via actions physically as one, like a stupid me, ends up thinking for other people and make decisions to maximize their welfare instead. I realize I am increasingly that idiotic. Last time, I just feel indignant and do nothing. Now, I willingly give up, make others happy, and suffer silently instead. The negatives of Chinese morals. These morals will be really good if loyalty in all sense still exists like in ancient times. Sworn brothers, faithful 臣s which are willing to under any condition die for their 君主s etc. At least people do not see another friend and end up abandoning the first friend even if the second is closer. At least people reciprocate double of what their benefactors give. Cannot blame other people. Can only blame myself for being too much like a stone around friends of friends. Just want to see friends' reactions and often than not I end up getting ignored eventually. 习以为常了，反正是我自己自讨苦吃。I feel like screwing myself sometimes. Why care for others? A whole lot of bullshit.

Effect of physical interaction with one's own peers will always be much stronger. No matter how much one puts in to someone unrelated to him of a different age (applies to cases of schooling people), the relation will just reach an asymptote and not touch the "Best Friend" value. I just came to accept it. Been avoiding it for months. It's time to face it. The truth hurts every time. Time to listen to my friend. Another reason why trying to get a best friend from the same age is easier is because the level of maturity is around the same. (Level of maturity varies drastically with age especially for teenagers.)

I do not like to force people to make decisions, especially between friends. Therefore, backing out is a good option? Or is it... It bloody isn't. Unfortunately, my brain is programmed that way. To let friends have an easier time by not putting them in a spot. So that they do not need to choose. It is high time to be selfish. (And here I am increasingly lending my homework to others to refer to when previously I protect my precious work.) T_T How I wish I can take my brain out, reprogram it the way I want it to be and then put it back in.

Break

Many events recently. Want to update but no time partly because checking SMB is a tedious task. Feel tired too. Will update once I have a free day soon. >.< Learnt a lot during this busy period. Valuable. Useful. =D

Reflection + A New Beginning

CIBTC's over and I'm officially a P/CI. Posting choice exercise not yet conducted, if it will be in the first place. Don't know which is the official unit I have to serve, but I am serving and will continue serving the one which nurtured me. Am delighted to pass out of the course safely. I look forward to the uncertainties of the future for once. I want to do what I am doing and time spent in action or in preparation is definitely worth spending. Quitting my previous CCA, after all it does not build character but just hard skills. Good for computer engineers and the like, not for me though. Since Sec One, I have realized that IT just isn't my cup of tea. Enough said. Here I am, doing what I like. That's all that matters. Nothing else. The past is an experience, the experience worth remembering, but not dwelling.

Going back to the unit for the first time with my new rank evoked a mix of feelings in me. I have to establish my presence, earn respect. Interesting how strangers hold you in high regard, while acquaintances treat your return as nothing significant externally. Internally I hope it's the opposite... However, I am no psychic. What one shows can be stated as a positive statement that can be proven. I do not really like speculating, albeit I being rather good in it. I do enjoy being back overall. At least some people notice me. That's a start. I had to begin somewhere, didn't I? The people I knew had changed, the distance widened. It actually aids in my adaptation into the CI life, so no major complains. The people I hold close remain, and that's all I ask for. I am satisfied. Seeing people having good relations with others makes me an outcast somehow. I need to build bridges. Solid ones. And the process must be fast. No hiccups allowed.

From CIBTC, I transformed from a person with no initiative and no skills, into one who fulfills the criteria of the course. Looking back at the objectives I set for myself, I can take comfort that I achieved 50% of each goal, except the results of block tests which aren't out. Not as if I yearn myself to be confirmed to be at the bottom of the cohort. It is a sacrifice which I will never regret though. Absolutely. I have to buck up for promotional exams though. Especially Physics. Have to haul in more effort. Hard work needed is measured in truckloads by my current standard which is pitifully miserable. No joke. No lie. Just the plain truth.

Meanwhile, the inaugural YOG is approaching. And I am proud to be a part of it. It isn't always everyday that one can be a member of the team painting history. Servicing the nation gives me a sense of patriotism and achievement. 饮水思源，after all. I shall practice what I have learnt in school. No use parking these values in a corner of the brain and leave it to rot. Bring them out. Infuse them into everyday life. Emerge a better person. To exert greater influence. To automatically command respect and attract attention. And of course, most importantly, to be a wiser individual.

The traditional part of every post which I will seldom miss: the people I love. Yes, love. You can love your close friends. Nothing wrong. Tell them how you truly feel. Pointless in holding back. Pointless in being shy. Pointless in assuming. Pointless in taking friends for granted. What can be achieved out? Nothing. Even worse, the opposite may happen. Why run the risk? No time? Rubbish. If you have to time to slack and facebook, I don't see why there's not enough time. Don't know how to express? Any method can be used. Practice makes perfect. As long as the message is brought across, one can stammer. Doesn't matter. The impact of the message will be there. What for? I can see him rather frequently. Well, while it's true that being together because of CCA or class will draw people closer, get to know each other better, however, few years down the road, you guys will inevitably be separated. And wonderfully because declarations/confirmations were never made before (as you can't be bothered to), you end up drifting apart and eventually lose contact with each other. Reason? This situation often plays itself: A wants talk to B, scared that B will mind, have doubts about himself, afraid of B's response, etc. Vice versa is true also. So what happens? Nothing. Nothing isn't good in this case. Obviously.

Take the first step. It will pay off. Dare to voice out. Do not reverse or halt.

This goes out to whoever bothers reading this, including myself. Simple English is easy to understand, isn't it? Short and sweet. Mostly. =D