Pause

The hatred in me still exists. <-- That sucks.

?

Sometimes it's better just not to think too much or try too hard... and just let matters be.

As one opines "You should let X come to you instead." I think I finally realise the full significance of that sentence.

And I think I let myself run a little havoc again... Not entirely my fault, but I can only improve my side of the equation. 

As cliche as it may sound "Only time will tell." Time's indeed the most valuable treasure in the world. Without it, nothing can be done. I hate leaving it to fate though, which ends up with me attempting too hard again. Stupid roundabout in my head, can't get nowhere. Depends on the other party, there's only so much that I can do. Takes two hand to clap, they say.

This sucks big time. Blehh ><

Belonging

I don't have enough time to study properly for blocks. I should be studying but I feel an urge to blog. In the past, I have a few urges to blog, but all were suppressed by the need to do other stuff. Care about mugging later. Will screw it up anyway judging from the amount of time left to cram a lot of info into my head.

When I was in primary school and lower sec, I didn't socialise or go out a lot. That's why my social skills and physical fitness sucks big time now. The free time that I had I spent mugging and watching television programmes. Being very easily influenced, the morals of all TV programmes I watched all entered me. My parents, even though not highly skilled or rich, had a decent set of morals too which they imparted to me in education. The emotional base of myself made the integration of these values a smooth one. From these, I totally detest any immoral and/or selfish behaviour which people in real life exhibit. There are several characters from all sorts of programme themes and settings which I look up to. That's the point of crafting the programmes anyway... other than making money, society wants to mould the next generation into desirable citizens. 

I guess that's how I spent my childhood. Mainly watching TV shows. Haha, what a boring childhood. Nobody's childhood can win mine in terms of degree of boredom induced, except some extremist characters who are obsessed with work that is. I seriously (no cliche here) don't know whether I benefited from sitting in my TV screen for hours in days in weeks in months and in years. I do know that it gave me a set of glasses though, which the computer increased the thickness of the lens. 

Going out of the house and virtual world of TV shows into the real society. It is cruel indeed. There are people with an assortment of characters. My ISFJ character didn't and still doesn't help me much in getting friends, because it doesn't help me in being sociable in the first place. Up till now I can't even find a person who's there for me to be willing to listen all the shit in me. Perhaps it's also the fault of the Singaporean society, turning us into machines - feeding us with tons of info and expecting us to modify it and contribute to the economy. 

I can't express myself well nor my needs. I'm bound to be disadvantaged when there's things up for grabs. People successfully scramble for material benefits and interestingly, people to be their friends too. As time is limited, a person can only have a certain amount of friends to devote his/her time to. So, when everyone pairs up into groups and pairs and whatever not, I find myself having nobody that has time for me. In the past, that didn't bother me much, work and TV's enough. Now, due to my emotional need for support from others, I have to find myself a person... One can't survive without friends, let's face it, humans are not called social animals for nothing. From the start of my realisation, I have tried and tried but failed, by my standards. My friend tells me to not try so hard as it is an automatic process, 随缘而去。Makes perfect sense, but I really cannot survive without finding one.

I must say the heavens are kind enough to me for me to have found some friends whom I can interact with. I don't know if my expectations are too high, but my character needs that level of commitment. And so I crashed-course a lot, feeling angry and disappointed. I can feel people's effort, no matter how small. I can also sense all strengths of everybody. Those don't help me in achieving my aim. They only make me try to convince myself that this level if enough; it will suffice. But, unfortunately, they ain't enough. My friends who bother call me stupid from being easy on others and hard on myself.several a times. My parents tell me to fight for what I really want. Yeah, all makes sense... But, those morals tell me to be kind on others and I can't go against them. They tell me that people can feel your efforts and eventually appreciate you. 善有善报，恶有恶报，不是不报，时辰未到，时辰一到，一切都报。How long more do I have to wait... Perhaps those are lies. 

Yet, I stubbornly believe in a good ending for those who persevere; 皇天不负有心人。When things didn't come naturally, I automatically switch to being selfish. I truly envy friends having fun with one another, the level of interaction, the smiles, the laughter, the mutual bonding... I'm 18, and I have a deep sucking void - a severe lack of good sociable memories... The jealousy from my character tries means and ways to pull a person to myself to feel this abyss of nothingness. It's equivalent to a black hole, sucking everything in no matter whether it's willing or not. The only appreciable difference is that I do selective sucking. I force myself upon those I target, and the emotions overwhelm both me and the people. When people cannot empathise, which is often, since it's forcing, I try harder and harder for them to understand me. Hasn't worked wonders. When people talk logic with me about my methods, I receive all of them, take them into account, and generate new ways to try and pull them closer again. It feels like a never-ending process, pull - fail - pull - fail - pull - fail. The only benefit I got from this is I can manage my emotions rather well already, thanks to a friend. 

I still have not achieved my goal. I don't know where I belong. I try to be a perfect person, but I realised I cannot be near being perfect if my emotional well-being is being taken cared of first. And in the process, my attempts to be perfect and to fulfill my emotional well-being always clash time and again... Neither can I be completely selfish to protect my well-being at the cost of others nor can I be perfect and consider everyone's well-being, even at the cost of my own. And people say the process of friendship is natural... I recognise that but I can't stop myself from trying, because I tell myself that there's no harm trying right... All these morals and values I gained from watching TV programmes, but in the context of myself I somehow manage to make them contradict one another big time. Wow, cool. These contradictions are just the tip of the iceberg in my brain... there's always an epic battle inside my head. It doesn't help that I have a naturally dao face and tend not to socialise with those I don't know. I'm trying to change though...

And so, as I struggle to fulfill my emotional need, I continue to look upon people having fun, joy and laughter with their friends without trying 1% as hard as I do. The longing of wanting to be just like them is insatiable... I wonder if I can ever have the pleasure of being just like them - to have someone who will, on instinct, be there and care.

Review

H3 Exam was today. More difficult than the tests... Think I did Ok, but only average. Made the mistake which I frequently do: stoning too long at a question. That mistake has burned my grades before -- sometimes very badly. But this shouldn't be that bad... I hope. Anyway it's over now, don't know when the results will be out though... Not sure I want to see it.

And it's really true that 路遥知马力，日久见人心。Spare the time needed. If one is shagged, just a few days is enough to see a person's true character. After all, if you are extremely exhausted, you won't bother thinking much and do the first thing that comes into your mind, which is your innate instinct. A good time to look into anyone's strengths and weaknesses. Can be quite pleasing and revolting at times... How interesting are the various human natures... How some complement and others are at loggerheads. How some people are natural friends and others just don't get along at all.

As mentioned before, my character has altered vastly. Still adept at detecting emotions from almost everyone though. Therefore, I'll sympathise and tend not to crack down on people who just cannot make it. Not a master of logical decision-making. Definitely not skilled in naturally radiating care and concern. Shall work hard towards accomplishing these two. There're some people I encounter, regardless of whether they're real people or fictitious characters, whom I really admire. Doggedly striving towards being a better person, one of the many goals aligned with the commitments I have.

No emotion can describe this void full of emotions

Getting closer than close is really a great feat. That's probably why couples bicker ever so often, but this is also probably a false analogy...

Process:
Strangers meet --> Common topic --> Acquaintances -->  Shared common experiences (both bad and good) --> Friends --> Common beliefs / characters --> Buddies -->  Accept and appreciate differences --> Brothers

The last stage is the most difficult to achieve. Even once it's reached, more and more will be revealed, with challenges of differences in time and space thrown in. Individual stages are reversible.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Indeed. Applies for relationship hiccups and overhauls.

Currently going through a change. Suggested and initiated by my upper sec friend. Character change for highly introvert to an extrovert. Not easy. Having unstable intermediates and transition states. Still leaning towards the introvert though. Situations where I tend towards an extrovert character have uncomfortable encounters (尴尬、 冷场) where I do not really know how to reply. Hope to reach the other end pretty soon. The intermediates and transition states can incur rather high opportunity costs, explained actions and words. Like yesterday. Blehhh, it sucks to the core. Still guilt-stricken.

As life goes on and social well being alters,

If someone takes you for granted:
+: You're so integrated into his life that you're essentially a part of him and his daily routine.
-: Your views will be undermined. Your feelings will not be cared for as much.

Ideal situation: Perfectly Reciprocal Relationship


Doesn't exist, but no harm working towards it with friends. =)

Finding purpose

Process has been well. 

Just that I'm still not producing on the PPC...

Realised I can use the Principle of Comparative Advantage  to increase my overall welfare. o.0 

Trade specialties. Oh yes, in academics. It's an appealing option that's open. So why not?

Need to increase my productive efficiency. To be more competitive. To be able to reap economies of scale. Wait a minute... from where? Never mind the source, I just need to be able to complete things with precision and accuracy.

And the process continues... It will never end. The bar will ever be set higher (by myself), but I do know the limits and the checkpoints (by comparing with others). 

Two points I want to record down here. They have no link whatsoever.

1) I realise I get annoyed when people assume I did nothing when I did (and devoted more in time and effort) just because they did not see me do anything. Anybody will actually.

2) The closer a friend (or brother), the more support one receives. The better one becomes in deflecting any shit that life throws your way too. Good for tiding through hard times in school. I understand what's moral support now. Didn't in the past. BOO... (N)

J2 Life

Almost a month since I blogged...

J2 life is rather routine and boring. Since the start of school, I have always reached home after sunset. Wake up --> Go school --> Listen in lessons (while trying my best to pay full attention, albeit dozing off at times) --> Attend after school activities --> Go home --> Do the ever increasing pile of homework and revise what's been taught --> Sleep

And the cycle repeats itself... Will continue to do so until the end of A levels... (Of course it will intensify first) In spite of this mundane routine, I think I make better use of time this year than the previous...

After school activities are mostly NPCC and NTU H3, each of which takes up 2 days in a school week. Both of which I rather enjoy actually, so they are not much of a problem. Probably why I can survive in my routine. But well, some people have much busier routines than I have, and they have been staying strong... I guess.

Once again, I realise I have an affinity towards juniors and near none towards girls... Not much of an issue... as of yet. The current batch functions differently. Being away from the norm does not matter, as long as it works. 

Emotion and logic. Emotions still predominantly rules my brain. Logic is not completely left out though. Will continue in this way.

I have to bulk up!!! Argh... Must literally FORCE myself. I'm weak yeah... Finding motivation in progress...

Have been "..." for many of my sentences... Describes how "..." I am now... The feeling has been the same... Will it change? 

MMXI

New Year's Resolution: 2011 another year, and the last year before the world ends... ._."

5th of Jan, 4-5 days late in posting...

Unit Chalet was fun and a success. First time so many official documents were created, that there was so much planning and attention to detail. A first for planned unit and squad activity. At least as far the archives didn't have much... Grand achievement and "revolution" for the OT. Good job. I surely enjoyed myself, though not with the group I was supposed to be with (by convention).

J2. No time to think much already. Can't let my mind wonder about relations, people like in the recent past and take away my attention from where it rightfully belongs: academics. I'll probably often feel what I'm experiencing right now. A tad bit tired. Not feeling like doing anything and wondering. "What's my purpose in what I'm doing... What's my aim in life?" Just keep moving and doing what I should. Emotions are powerful tools, but I can't overwhelm myself with it anymore. Enough of it already.

Very interesting how humans work, how the mind and heart works in synchrony. Can predict how some people will react to situations accurately. Many occasions proved the point (to myself). Nice achievement for me, was that a goal last year? Never mind, too lazy to review my posts. My goal this year compared to the previous years' is utterly different. All in all, this skill's still very handy for me.

Social life, the emphasis of last year... can't really say it totally failed or succeeded. Macro, class - fail; CCA - success? Micro, bf - fail; brother - success? Funny, those planned goals failed, the improvised ones faired relatively better.

There's no need to specially go out and try to manipulate relations. Comes naturally with all the other aspects of life. Put in effort, people can feel. Constant effort is enough. No need go out of the way. Go out of the way is unnatural and will most probably not succeed anyway.

NYR: 看开 Seems, simple, but it won't be easy, that's for sure.