Never have I felt this level of fatigue before. My muscles refuses to budge long distances, my brain refuses to think straight. I just feel defeated. Don't feel like doing anything. Not because of the long distance I walked from High school gate to Princess of Wales Road (via the front) to Sixth Avenue (via the back) before walking into the Namly roads. That is nothing actually. It's something else.
Area 15 ATC 2010 improved my communication and leadership skills tremendously. I am now able to speak up easily, think on the spot and exude some confidence. Growth is indeed never ending, even when I am now a P/CI. Gained a lot of experience which will make me a better CI. Meanwhile, the process of learning shall continue. I still have a lot to learn.
Thinking back, I wondered why I never heeded my friend's advice. Widen the social circle by joining a fresh CCA with a large membership. Interact with more people, especially girls. He said it will help in the future. After I expressed that I have some several good relations with juniors, I could sense that he was somewhat skeptical about the eventual outcomes. Just around a month ago, I told him that I joined back my previous CCA. He was rather bemused and surprised. I can understand his rationale for his response now. Interaction with girls will bring experience in dealing with women in the future. Interaction with juniors brings... He thinks it will be fruitless and that interacting with same age (i.e. level) people will be more useful and yield better results. I respected his opinion during that time, but could not grasp his rationale. I think I can now.
It all started out with me having no siblings. Thus, I yearn for close friends and very^very much want a best friend to understand and be there for me. Up till now, as I have stated before, my ultimate goal is still not achieved or at best it is ambiguous. But I shall not lie to myself. Reality is there in the face. Don't have means don't have. No use building castles in the air and imagining hypothetical scenarios. Lower sec gained a close friend, upper sec another, and now JC yet another. All are the same age. Yet the relationships cannot go any further as I changed classes in these years and they gained closer friends (frequently their best). Not as if I do not put in the effort to maintain and build. The limitation of a severe lack of physical interaction is a factor which I realized matters a lot. And I hate it. No amount of virtual communication will replace it. Period. I have used time to increase my brain capacity in primary school and lower sec. Yes, my results are above average. People are envious. But what for? I have no one to share it with apart from my parents. I will rather get Es and have BFFs to share the joys and woes.
And I wonder if I am trying hard enough. Seriously. Or maybe I'm just not fated to have the luxury.
Next factor. I have to search high and low for what everyone easily gets. A best friend. In the process, I have learnt a lot about human relations and psychology. Matured a lot. But what for? I rather get a best friend and live in oblivion. The pain, the loneliness, the disappointment. To hell with these feelings. As time passes and the search goes on, I learnt to hide my emotions. Statue? A disinterested face? These are just masks that I find increasingly useful. 1) It hides emotions from curious eyes. 2) I can think more clearly and logically rather than let emotions overrun me. 3) I will look like I don't care (when I actually do). 4) Curious eyes will be convinced that I am fine. As encounters and "failures" in my quest increase, I can put on an act in front of people better. A best friend can always spot the pain in the eyes when others see nothing or a fake smile put on. That is an indicator. But well, this has not happened.
Humans are like any other animals. 适者生存，宁教我负天下人，休教天下人负我。I am grateful for my upbringing of morals that effectively packs the above expressions into a far corner of my brain. However, this is needed to fight for what one wants, and since my instinct is locked away, I end up taking things as they go. Which is bad. I rather not have these morals. They impede in the expressing of feelings via actions physically as one, like a stupid me, ends up thinking for other people and make decisions to maximize their welfare instead. I realize I am increasingly that idiotic. Last time, I just feel indignant and do nothing. Now, I willingly give up, make others happy, and suffer silently instead. The negatives of Chinese morals. These morals will be really good if loyalty in all sense still exists like in ancient times. Sworn brothers, faithful 臣s which are willing to under any condition die for their 君主s etc. At least people do not see another friend and end up abandoning the first friend even if the second is closer. At least people reciprocate double of what their benefactors give. Cannot blame other people. Can only blame myself for being too much like a stone around friends of friends. Just want to see friends' reactions and often than not I end up getting ignored eventually. 习以为常了，反正是我自己自讨苦吃。I feel like screwing myself sometimes. Why care for others? A whole lot of bullshit.
Effect of physical interaction with one's own peers will always be much stronger. No matter how much one puts in to someone unrelated to him of a different age (applies to cases of schooling people), the relation will just reach an asymptote and not touch the "Best Friend" value. I just came to accept it. Been avoiding it for months. It's time to face it. The truth hurts every time. Time to listen to my friend. Another reason why trying to get a best friend from the same age is easier is because the level of maturity is around the same. (Level of maturity varies drastically with age especially for teenagers.)
I do not like to force people to make decisions, especially between friends. Therefore, backing out is a good option? Or is it... It bloody isn't. Unfortunately, my brain is programmed that way. To let friends have an easier time by not putting them in a spot. So that they do not need to choose. It is high time to be selfish. (And here I am increasingly lending my homework to others to refer to when previously I protect my precious work.) T_T How I wish I can take my brain out, reprogram it the way I want it to be and then put it back in.
