Belonging

I don't have enough time to study properly for blocks. I should be studying but I feel an urge to blog. In the past, I have a few urges to blog, but all were suppressed by the need to do other stuff. Care about mugging later. Will screw it up anyway judging from the amount of time left to cram a lot of info into my head.

When I was in primary school and lower sec, I didn't socialise or go out a lot. That's why my social skills and physical fitness sucks big time now. The free time that I had I spent mugging and watching television programmes. Being very easily influenced, the morals of all TV programmes I watched all entered me. My parents, even though not highly skilled or rich, had a decent set of morals too which they imparted to me in education. The emotional base of myself made the integration of these values a smooth one. From these, I totally detest any immoral and/or selfish behaviour which people in real life exhibit. There are several characters from all sorts of programme themes and settings which I look up to. That's the point of crafting the programmes anyway... other than making money, society wants to mould the next generation into desirable citizens. 

I guess that's how I spent my childhood. Mainly watching TV shows. Haha, what a boring childhood. Nobody's childhood can win mine in terms of degree of boredom induced, except some extremist characters who are obsessed with work that is. I seriously (no cliche here) don't know whether I benefited from sitting in my TV screen for hours in days in weeks in months and in years. I do know that it gave me a set of glasses though, which the computer increased the thickness of the lens. 

Going out of the house and virtual world of TV shows into the real society. It is cruel indeed. There are people with an assortment of characters. My ISFJ character didn't and still doesn't help me much in getting friends, because it doesn't help me in being sociable in the first place. Up till now I can't even find a person who's there for me to be willing to listen all the shit in me. Perhaps it's also the fault of the Singaporean society, turning us into machines - feeding us with tons of info and expecting us to modify it and contribute to the economy. 

I can't express myself well nor my needs. I'm bound to be disadvantaged when there's things up for grabs. People successfully scramble for material benefits and interestingly, people to be their friends too. As time is limited, a person can only have a certain amount of friends to devote his/her time to. So, when everyone pairs up into groups and pairs and whatever not, I find myself having nobody that has time for me. In the past, that didn't bother me much, work and TV's enough. Now, due to my emotional need for support from others, I have to find myself a person... One can't survive without friends, let's face it, humans are not called social animals for nothing. From the start of my realisation, I have tried and tried but failed, by my standards. My friend tells me to not try so hard as it is an automatic process, 随缘而去。Makes perfect sense, but I really cannot survive without finding one.

I must say the heavens are kind enough to me for me to have found some friends whom I can interact with. I don't know if my expectations are too high, but my character needs that level of commitment. And so I crashed-course a lot, feeling angry and disappointed. I can feel people's effort, no matter how small. I can also sense all strengths of everybody. Those don't help me in achieving my aim. They only make me try to convince myself that this level if enough; it will suffice. But, unfortunately, they ain't enough. My friends who bother call me stupid from being easy on others and hard on myself.several a times. My parents tell me to fight for what I really want. Yeah, all makes sense... But, those morals tell me to be kind on others and I can't go against them. They tell me that people can feel your efforts and eventually appreciate you. 善有善报，恶有恶报，不是不报，时辰未到，时辰一到，一切都报。How long more do I have to wait... Perhaps those are lies. 

Yet, I stubbornly believe in a good ending for those who persevere; 皇天不负有心人。When things didn't come naturally, I automatically switch to being selfish. I truly envy friends having fun with one another, the level of interaction, the smiles, the laughter, the mutual bonding... I'm 18, and I have a deep sucking void - a severe lack of good sociable memories... The jealousy from my character tries means and ways to pull a person to myself to feel this abyss of nothingness. It's equivalent to a black hole, sucking everything in no matter whether it's willing or not. The only appreciable difference is that I do selective sucking. I force myself upon those I target, and the emotions overwhelm both me and the people. When people cannot empathise, which is often, since it's forcing, I try harder and harder for them to understand me. Hasn't worked wonders. When people talk logic with me about my methods, I receive all of them, take them into account, and generate new ways to try and pull them closer again. It feels like a never-ending process, pull - fail - pull - fail - pull - fail. The only benefit I got from this is I can manage my emotions rather well already, thanks to a friend. 

I still have not achieved my goal. I don't know where I belong. I try to be a perfect person, but I realised I cannot be near being perfect if my emotional well-being is being taken cared of first. And in the process, my attempts to be perfect and to fulfill my emotional well-being always clash time and again... Neither can I be completely selfish to protect my well-being at the cost of others nor can I be perfect and consider everyone's well-being, even at the cost of my own. And people say the process of friendship is natural... I recognise that but I can't stop myself from trying, because I tell myself that there's no harm trying right... All these morals and values I gained from watching TV programmes, but in the context of myself I somehow manage to make them contradict one another big time. Wow, cool. These contradictions are just the tip of the iceberg in my brain... there's always an epic battle inside my head. It doesn't help that I have a naturally dao face and tend not to socialise with those I don't know. I'm trying to change though...

And so, as I struggle to fulfill my emotional need, I continue to look upon people having fun, joy and laughter with their friends without trying 1% as hard as I do. The longing of wanting to be just like them is insatiable... I wonder if I can ever have the pleasure of being just like them - to have someone who will, on instinct, be there and care.